she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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