dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
