I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
