How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
