corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I fill condoms, not promises.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Pooping to opera.
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