Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Couch. On fire.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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