Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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