Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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