as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
