I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
