I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
