I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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