It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
