So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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