ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
