I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
