How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
there was a trapeze. enough said
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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