why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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