I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
