His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
