apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
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At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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