Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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