someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
