um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
