You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
