if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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