My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Boobs speak an international language.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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