I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
