Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
