No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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