Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
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Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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