Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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