Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
