I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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