roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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