Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
this hospital has no fireball
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
