Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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