i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
