I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
