I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Four minutes until I can fart!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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