note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
