that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
