So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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