Say something about gay babies.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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