I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
