our cab driver is having phone sex.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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