Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.