I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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