NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
