i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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