I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
