He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
