everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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