Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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