Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
