I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
